So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
50% drunk capacity currently
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
