I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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