I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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