At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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