Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
