I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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