Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
