he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
