I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
