yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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