i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
