How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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