GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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