There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
