I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
