he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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