I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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