Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
