Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
