I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
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I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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