i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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