you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
