he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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