apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
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The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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