i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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