Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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