Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dicks are not precious.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
