I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
