thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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