I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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