I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The uberlube is also flammable
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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