I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
