The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
