he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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