Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
