I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize