dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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