My cat gives me a boner
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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