I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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