He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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