So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
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The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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