i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
