My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
