i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
