I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
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The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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