it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
