I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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