Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my sisters under your porch take her home
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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