"it" just moved
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
