I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
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This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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