Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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