This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
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Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
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I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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