Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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