she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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