I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
