Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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